So jammed to the hilt with Halloween candy, already full of remorse, its time to once again reflect on the altering of my personality over the past two years. I am not sure if it happened with the changing of my work environment or the occasional life/work balance dissatisfaction or the general chilliness of the culture here, but my apathy has increased and my aloofness amplified and hot damn, I don’t like it.
I thought, about a year and 60 lbs ago (I measure all time in weight loss now), that I should locate a charitable act that I could commit to, a simple yet meaningful 1-2 hours a week to give back to a community in which I work and/or live. I believed this would be a good way to balance out some of the arcane bullshit I have waded through (both being pushed and pulling others) in the past 30 years. It would also be good for Hudson and Tasman to see their father sacrifice the most valuable item in his life – time – to help others who may be more in need.
Well after a couple of random afternoons looking for an appropriate charity, even sending a couple of notes out (unreturned), the extent of my massive charity investigation came to an abrupt halt.
That was over a year ago and now I find my own snarl coming out quicker. I do not meet people’s eyes when passing them in the hallway, something I purposefully did even when their indifference was so thick I could be an iguana riding a Bengal tiger and they still wouldn’t notice. Yet I still smiled and tried to seek their plastic gaze, wink at their shrinking soul. Also, when entering a subway, I snake my way looking for the empty seat, not really bumping into the pregnant 80 year old woman with brachial palsy and six or seven shopping bags pushing a stroller, but still trying to avoid their own penetrating aghast gaze as a snuggle into the vacant seat and start playing Word Mole on my BB. I now pass blind people at corners, and little children, once cherubic and innocent, now creep up the back of my hand and poke at my nerves with their whiny demands and incessant curiosity.
Do I chalk it up to age? Has the EuroZone debt crisis finally pushed me from simple to cynical? Am I so unsatisfied with portions of my life that I want others to feel the same sense of despair that I am currently (and occasionally, this is no deep end) mired in?
It is sad to think this lampshade wearing bucket of fun is suffering from a crisis of positivity. Especially on the cusp of a season. Can’t imagine what February will bring.
the chicks dig the tinger 
November 1st, 2011 at 9:08 pm
I had an amazing comment all written out, and then my phone lost it… it was good though. It would have been a show stealer. But, it’s gone. Personally, I think you need to unleash the funk… You are always best when you walk with a swagger. You are the same dude that blew me away with Cubes… and left echoing words of verse like “He had a swimmers body…” Chin up buttercup, it’s tough in the low post.