Release the tether

As mentioned numerous times, my eldest boy, Hudson, age nine and a half, is a very sensitive human being.  He senses discord and melancholy in others and is very impressionable by the sentiment of various situations. He occasionally sulks and rebels against general happiness to ensure the room absorbs some of his seriousness, thereby allowing him to occasionally usurp the attention and bring it down to his own pensive level.  He is acutely aware of his own sensitivity and will use it in our rare,heated conversations.

“But dad, I am very emotional…”  He will claim, lip quivering,  after I take the bad cop role, after too much rational talk and I simply need to lay my foot down on very reasonable demands like putting socks on before going outside or doing homework before watching How to Eat Fried Worms.  So he works a bit and we both know it.  So sensitive and a bit smart.

So I am sensitive to his sensitivity, and, being a pretty sensitive dude myself, I am keenly aware of the type of person that Hudson could potentially grow up to become.  I am not discounting myself, deep down I think I am pretty decent man, but  I do wish I didn’t let things get to me so deeply.  And I think Hudson also takes on too much and lets it weigh him down. He questions too much, nervous and anxious about the administration of life, the details, sometimes hindering his ability to simply be a simple kid.

This also manifests itself into a lack of confidence, an almost instant refusal to participate in the unknown for fear of failure or reprisal.  There is no gusto, no verve, simply refusal and it’s very frustrating.  Now, admittedly I have not snatched the life bull by the horns and rode it screaming into the flaming ball of light, so again I use the easy answer of father compare which is neither fair nor reasonable.  We are different animals as Hudson will aptly suggest when I ask him, for example, to come watch basketball with me. (“I am not you Dad, I just don’t like sports.”)………sorry, wiping tears from my eyes.

So what do we do?  His confidence does  grow with the slow releasing of the tether, providing him the opportunity to fail or succeed without dire consequences.  The opportunity to keep track of his own allowed screen time, the spending of his saved money all at once, the daily feeding of pretty bunny Alice, all consequences he must realize on his own – except for starving Alice, lying sessile on the carpet.

But recently he asked to do something that, while fairly innocuous in the grand scheme of things, was still pretty scary. And the tail risk is one I will not acknowledge, much less write about.

He asked to walk to the grocery store alone.

And we let him.

Steph and I had discussed letting him do this but I decided to let him do it while Steph (less drama) and Tasman (less pressure) were out.  I gave him the parameters.  I live in a very urban area but in a very uptown (read uptight) area of Toronto.  There are dangers because it is a city, but lets face it, North Toronto is a pretty safe neighbourhood.  Sure you may get trampled by Grande non fat latte fueled SAHM’s, but for the most part, it’s a great place to raise kids.   There is no crossing of major streets to get to the grocery store that is a seven minute walk from my house.  It was Metro, chocolate bar, home within 20 minutes; don’t talk to strangers, run to fire station if anything goes wrong.  And he did it, in eight minutes total, running both ways. At first I watched the clock until I could not take it anymore so I went back to making meatballs. He burst in breathless, cheeks apple red, clutching a Coffee Crisp.  A nice, light snack.

Now, before you (Michele) begin judging me (Ma) and providing me all the reasons we should not have let him perform this simple task, let me just offer you the result.  He was blown away with this small sense of freedom and seemed to grow another five inches because of it (metaphorically, as he already is tracking for 6’5” or 6’6”, thanks basketball irony).  His smile was ear to freaking ear.  Amazed at his ability to handle this task.  Amazed at how easy it all was for him, in a hey – wait a minute – I can do this kind of stuff- awe but also equally amazed that I actually let him go.  Let him walk out the door alone, down the street alone, into the store alone, interact with the cashier (very helpful and friendly) alone and make his way back home.  All by himself.

I am still not comfortable with him doing it.  I think he is about a year too young.  But in this instance, I took a chance and afforded him the space to gain some confidence, to throw all that too much thought, too emotional, too sensitive crud he hears all the time and let him experience the thrill of freedom, of self, of self worth.

He asks every ten minutes if we need anything from the store, and I will eventually let him go again. But for now, he can hold on to that one moment of confidence, that will eventually be linked to the next moment, building this chain of confidence and helping him grow from sensitive boy to sensitive, confident man.